How to drive in Nicaragua

Driving in Nicaragua is definitely different than driving in East Baltimore, though which streets have more potholes might be a tight race.

Here is a quick reference guide on how to successfully drive in Nicaragua:
1. First figure out where the heck you are going. This sounds simple. It is not. Complicating factors include: there are no street signs; directions are either in reference to kilometers (helpful) or the distance towards or away from the lake (not so helpful); and frequently include reference points of things that no longer exist. Also people seem to have a different definition on what is a right or left turn.

True story: we asked this lady which road was the way to Masatepe. While pointing left she told us to take the first right turn to go to the corner and turn right (her arm continued to flail left), to continue that way and then take another right (this time her arm did move to the right, dispelling my first thought that maybe she had some sort of physical disability not allowing her arm to go right). R asked "so basically we should turn around?" To which she replied "No No No! Masatepe is that way! (now pointing straight ahead on the straight road on which we were driving). This is not the only time this has happened to us.

2. Once you think you know where you are going ask four more people. If you have reached a rough consensus then proceed ahead. Otherwise continue until they can no longer see you and just ask someone else (especially if they first look around or get shifty eyes before starting to give you directions).

3. Now that you are driving: LOOK OUT! Police will try to stop you! You will have no idea why. They will tell you you have committed some driving error. This is questionable. It may be that your driving error was not being Nicaraguan and looking like a big chump who might pay a big bribe. Try your best to get out of the "ticket" which actually is confiscation of your license that requires you to go to two government agencies, get scolded pay some other fine and if the winds are right perhaps get your license back. Avoid this at all costs! If you pay any three digit amount of Cordobas you loose.

(Preventative tactic -- do not make eye contact with police and pretend that you do not see them frantically waving you down. They usually have no mode of transportation at their "posts". And really do they expect you to cross over three lanes of traffic in the round about to be told that you committed a driving sin?).

4. And that brings us to round abouts. If you are already on the round about: hurtle as fast as you can around with no regard to any other cars. Honk liberally as you see fit and at random swerve off into your desired street to the sounds of other drivers honking you farewell. If you are entering the roundabout take a deep breath, look out for the man on the bicycle who has a death wish on your right and the three motor bikes who have now surrounded you cutting off all vision. Honk if you're happy and step on the gas!

Look out for tricky policemen that hang out just outside of round abouts.

5. Beware of red lights -- as in Baltimore that does not mean that you must stop! In fact if you are at the back of the line of cars, feel free to swerve around everyone on the emergency lane and run the light if you are in a rush. If you are not first in line -- Get Your Hand On Your Horn! And get ready to let that poor driver know when the light turns green! The sooner the better! They are so close they might not see it! But you, from your vantage point of five cars back can! Let him know with your lightening fast reflexes!

Beware of red lights for another reason -- serial window washers! Is your window clean? Doesn't matter. Are you shaking your fingers, hand, head no? Dont worry they will still clean the window, even if the other guy just did at the last stop light. This is especially bad in rush hour. Make sure you have coins on hand for however many stop lights there are between your and your destination. 

If you're lucky though the light will change before .... And you're off!

That little clown car taxi with his disco light wheel cover isn't looking so bad now is he ....